I don’t get it enough.

There’s nothing like eye-opening conversation.

I had a far too brief talk with Marissa Last night at the Rivers Edge Cafe. She’s smart and sharp and she asks great questions. She also tends to look at me like there’s something wrong with me, but that’s almost everyone…..speaking of which, do you ever notice the experience of conversation?  where you notice how you feel about yourself while talking to someone, with Marissa I’m acutely aware that I’m speaking and I worry. We talked about my wife and I kept thinking “does this sound critical or caring?” and I still don’t know……some conversations make me wonder if I’m jealous of everything….maybe I’m a monster……probably….

Not the point….or rather not the whole point. The monster question is central, however – but that in a minute: We spoke (or rather I spoke far too much) about me having narrowed my life. Marissa had a suggestion and I’d shoot it down..rinse, repeat.

I feel crappy doing it, but at some point I had to figure out what it is I do. I write songs. I’m a shitty webmaster and a shitty marketing guy, but I do these things because I can’t afford not to. I’m an absolutely terrible networker, but I really want people to hear these songs I write so I go out and I try to act normal.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot about these things I suck at that I enjoy greatly. It’s just that they don’t make me a better musician or write a song.

So here’s the things I’m not going to do in 2010:

Play the Paramount. I’d love to. But I wanna fill the sumbitch. If I’m gonna do that I’m gonna do that right.
Start a songwriters circle. Again, sounds cool, but I’m not the keeper of the non-existent scene. I will try to grow that thing: that scene; because I refuse to believe that we’re a bunch of dumb hicks out here in Aurora and I know the caliber of the artists in this town. I will invite you to play with me at a show where we get paid. We deserve to get paid. If someone wants to start a circle for artists to talk about their craft, I’m in…but I’ll tell you I have a lot of musician friends and fans and I need a LOT more people to hear this than them.
Take on more. I will be helping the people I love. I will be contributing to the things I believe in. I will be bartering my meager skills and poor company for yours….but I’m not adding projects. I can do what I can do and I’m not about to spend another year getting worse at anything.

2009 has been a lot. It’s been a great big success story and it’s been a time of building. 2009 was what I needed it to be. I have something of an Identity and I think I have, like, 6 people paying attention now. That’s awesome.

2010 is shit or get off the pot time.

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